I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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