Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Michael Bay diarrhea
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
