if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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