My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
