you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
