dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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