I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
