I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
