I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
