i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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