I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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