so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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