Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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