I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
