Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
