Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
