so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
