i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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