I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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