I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She made me pour olive oil on her.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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