You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
meet me or not, i'm out of control
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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