hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
