I didn't shave. On purpose
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
