I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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