and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
