there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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