I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
