textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
