hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
