Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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