I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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