he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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