I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Randomize
