is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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