You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
