Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
