Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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