Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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