When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
