how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
