oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
