I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
