The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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