im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
