I wish my penis had an off switch
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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