i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
