Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
