Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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