last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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