Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Welp...herpes.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
