I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Randomize
