If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
